Too Blessed to be Stressed

Have you heard that before? I really try to abide to that motto, but life's just too difficult. Things go wrong everyday! People have this expectation of me: they expect me to be PERFECT. Not going to lie, I am a perfectionist, but just to clarify, I am FAR from perfect. People expect so much from a single individual, it can become overwhelmingly hectic. With AP classes, directors (who like to play the dictator role), and with what seems to be unusual family problems...I feel like I'm going crazy. There's this "stay positive" thing that my teacher tells us to do. She tells us to say buts. So if you say something negative, you find a positive but about it. For instance, I did not sleep at all last night, because I stayed up writing a damned essay about Grendel, but I got a 95 on it. Although that is a great strategy, sometimes I can't find buts, and that just really makes the whole situation worse. I hate that.

Aspire to Inspire

I witnessed one of the most moving testimonies I've ever heard. God always knows what I need to hear when I need to hear it. Hal's ability to share his story inspires me to change my ways and to change peoples' lives. This man brings hope to the future expectations of humanity. His humbled character and compassionate, diligent nature bring tears to my eyes. Hal is the definition of a shitty childhood, and he went above and beyond to be AMAZING! He helps kids be amazing to help younger kids be amazing...with his amazingness. What a blessed man.

Today's Moment

That moment when you're scared because you know you didn't say the right thing. That anxious moment where you have to sit and wait for the bitching of your life. I hate that moment. That moment has become incorporated into almost every single day of my life. That moment has become routine, and no matter what I say or do, it will always be there. I'm afraid for that moment today. I don't want to hear it today. Thinking about today's moment makes me sick to my stomach. I want to pretend I'm sleeping to avoid it. But God knows that won't stop it. God knows that nothing can stop that moment. That moment makes me cry. It makes me feel stupid and unworthy. I wish that moment could just change. I wish I could have a good, confidence-building moment on the daily, not one of these moments. I can feel it getting closer. I'm counting the seconds before it happens. I feel nauseated and light-headed realizing that every word I type is a few seconds closer to having to face my moment. But there's nothing I can do. Here it comes, and there's nothing I can do about it. Fuck this moment.

Seriously?

Sometimes I just wonder if you even think about me when you decide to say and do things. How on Earth do you just suddenly decide to tell me that you're going to be gone for the holidays? You act like my family isn't falling apart, like I have people to spend it with. Yes, I agree you should go visit your mother during the holidays, but a day later leave for a football game? In San Antonio? How do I fit into that picture. Every time I get a chance with you, I try to put you first, because I know the time we share is limited. I put my priorities out of order and sacrifice to see you. Every time I see you. Every other weekend you tell me you have to go do this, and you have to go do that. Fine. Do whatever you please. Want to spontaneously move to California? Go ahead. Don't let me stop you. Want to go weeks without seeing me because you're too lazy or God knows what to make an effort to see me? By all means, do so. I'm sick and tired of this. I don't know in what way to put it. I've been nice, I've been mean, I've hung up on your face... You just don't seem to get it. Whatever. Go do whatever you want. It's your life. And from what I've seen that you've shown me, I guess it's just not as important to you as it is for me to include me in it.

Overrated People

Have you ever met those kinds of people? The ones that can't even see everything they're worth? Certain people can't seem to value and appreciate all of the gifts God has blessed them with. Life will throw challenges at you that I've noticed mold people into the wonderful souls that they are today. Sometimes no matter how much you want something, things won't work out, because things weren't meant to be that way. And you know what? You just have to keep swimming, baby. You can't let life get in the way of chasing your dreams and making something out of yourself. Don't let life bring you down!

My best friend is beyond intelligent. He has a capacity to learn that is jaw-dropping. He is a hands on learner: show him once, and his brain can absorb everything you've just taught or shown him in a matter of seconds. He is brilliant! He also just happens to be very attractive and shows more chivalry than Prince Charming himself! But since life has thrown him in a ditch, stomped all over him, lit him on fire, and then dissected the remains of his body, he can't see how amazing he truly is. That poor kid's life has been so shitty that he's turned out to be the purest, most warm-hearted and honest person I've ever met. Does he see that? Of course not. If he did, I wouldn't have anything to write about. Life has been a devastating struggle for him; everyone in his life has always discouraged him and told him that he can't do anything. He's set that standard for himself. He sees himself as incapable of doing so many things that he's just to lazy to even try, because he lacks so much confidence in himself. And he can't even see that.

Life can be a bitch. Sometimes life will fuck you up so much that you live your life in fear, scared of, not letting others down, but letting yourself down. I wish stupid humans had an answer as to why people are like this. Why must there be so many ASSHOLES in the world? Maybe the assholes are the ones that are overrated.

Just keep in mind that GOD IS GREAT! God will not give you a challenge that he knows is too much for you. God gives you just the right amount to handle, and He will always leave a path to success, some way out of your struggles. You just have to find it. Both He and I know you can do it.

People Make Me Sick

You know, it's true. Sometimes life can be disappointing. You never know who a person truly is; people are always capable of doing anything. Everyone will let you down at some point in your life, no matter who it is. Even though it may be something small, it's a difficult pill to swallow due to the fact that you were never expecting it. Everyone is a hypocrite and a liar and unfaithful and an asshole and annoying at some point. And  it sucks. It makes me sick that someone you love and trust with everything can be such a butthead sometimes. You move on though, right? That's life: always moving forward...I guess.

Unappreciated Much?

You know, sometimes it's just absurd how overrated a teenage life can be. And the stereotypical teenage response to parents is "I can't wait to go to college." But let's be realistic. Is college really going to fix problems? I wish I could just be treated the way I deserve to be treated. I'm certainly not saying that I deserve the world, but the same amount of respect I give YOU would be appreciated. Everything is always based on assumptions and accusations. Why can't a caregiver and a child just have a simple, plain conversation for once? Am I asking for too much? Everything always needs to be over-exaggerated or blown completely out of proportion. The Christian thing to do is pray for her, I suppose, and to suck up the bullshit until my BS tolerance is beyond its limit, right? FML

Creating Confusion

Tell me why all relationships must have hardships. But none like mine. I can't be in a normal, adequate relationship. I'm dating a fucking delinquent. Unfortunately, I love this delinquent, but I'm hurting myself and wasting my time. I can't bring myself to tell him no, but I know it's the right thing to do. Has that ever happened to you? You know what the right decision is, but you can't spit it out of your mouth, because you just happen to be a chicken. Quite lovely, isn't it? I ask myself why I waste my time with delinquents like these when I'm so young and can enjoy life, but I can't come to a conclusion. I want to be independent of these ties with people. I think I might go insane if I don't. And how mischievous of me to have lost that one good thing due to my deficient decision-making skills. I want to be able to live life and enjoy it, not have to stay hung up on worrying about assholes.  I want to be able to forget about things I want to forget and remember the good times, but it seems to be the other way around. I began to think that I was really close to discovering my true identity, as in what I really want in life, but of course my poor decisions interfere with that analysis.

Hot bubble bath, mani & pedi, candles, trail mix, and ebook. Sounds relaxing right about now.  Maybe get my mind off of a few things.

Oh, and I hate my boyfriend.

My new beloved and I...my candles :)