What More Can I Ask For?

Wanna know who I love? This guy. He's beyond amazing. His name is Mason :) He's the hottest, most sexiest man alive, and he has the most admirable qualities to top it off! He's genuine, original, comical, outgoing, carefree, lovable, and just amazing. For starters, he's the perfect gentleman. He's 18, when do you ever find that in this generation? He holds the door open for me, he pulls my chair at dinner, he holds me tight, and loves me when I'm down. He has the best manners, which is another plus. He's very intellegent, although at times he underestimates himself. He's very hard-working, and is great at his job. He always knows how to put a smile on my face, and it gets even better. We share each others' thoughts, and we always finish each others' sentences. We understand each other like no other, and he's pure awesomeness. There isn't a thing he won't do to make me happy, yet he wants what's best for me and spoils me with his good intentions. He has a voice that will make you crave his breath on your lips, and a strong embrace that will just make you melt in his arms. He's athletic, and he wants to move to Canada, just like me. He hates to argue, so we can always talk our differences out. He's never giving up on me, even though I've given him motives to loose all hope. He's stunningly gorgeous, and I will never let him go. He's a fabulous person, and has a heart made of gold, purity, and well-being. What more can I ask for? He's a Christian, he's got the looks, the smarts, the hard-working endurance, perseverance, originality, and can be a gentleman, yet mushy and lovable. I'm just blessed. How much better can he get?

Am I just supposed to obliviously smile and act like everything's okay?

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too, but there will be no special hurry"

Having Lost It All

Talk about having lost it all. All my privacy, out the drain. No one trusts me and they all just make my life miserable. I can't even call anything my own anymore. I feel abandonment. All I've done is make mistakes, just like yours and like anyone else's. How come you can't leave me be? This is beyond ridiculous. There's not a fine line, but a thick, huge-ass line in between grounding someone and suffocating them in your skin making them miserable. Which one do you think you're doing? This is mine. My blog, my privacy, my email. How can someone possibly harm me if I'm just typing my thoughts into a computer. Everything was going well, thanks for reminding me how much everything sucked. Thanks for bringing me back into reality from the minuscule fantasy I was living. "You're drowning yourself in a glass of water." You're four times older that me; a glass of water to you is the Indian ocean to me. Being like this gives me a headache. I get sick to my stomach thinking this is what I've become. And to think I actually want to go back to it..No one understands it's not in my control. I'm sick of people just bombarding me with rude, uneccesary commentary. It's just plain irrational on your part. I'm not a hypocrite, or a sack of shit, or a victim, or a self-pittied soul, or selfish, or a liar, or a Poleo. So don't call me that because I don't like it. It pisses me off; YOU piss me off.

The New Me

Well, hectic has become my new state of mind. To begin with, I've been blocked off all sorts off ways to connect with society. My life has turned and my ways have changed. And I know it's for the good, but it doesn't always feel that way. Sometimes it just feels like I'm sinking, loosing myself. But you see, the complication is that I'm not sure if it's me loosing myself or whom I sought myself to be. Everything around me has been a revolving world of guilt, shame and chaos. There's spark in my new life, though. I found Him, and He completes me. Sometimes, I get caught up in all these societal things, but I've come to realize "do they even really matter?" Truth is, disconnection has helped me with recovering from plenty of things. And it's given me a chance to try to figure out who I ever even was. I'm in this constant state where I want to be, then I don't want to be, and then I just do again. Today is the 22 day, and I'm afraid to say that I think I'm okay. Not knowing what's ahead of me frustrates me, especially being the one that loves to be in control of everything. I've moved on, and I've grown. Thing is, I don't know what to do anymore. Everything's just become a bore, a confusion. No more decisions for myself, no more options or luxeries. It's just whatever's chosen for me and straight ahead. Hoping I could actually blog more, it kinda empties me. I enjoy it, and it just gives me someone to listen, you know? Afraid to loose what I've worked so hard for, well, what's left of it. I lost a great relationship, and I do truly miss him. But he's going off to college and I guess wants to be single for all those great parties he'll be getting shitfaced drunk at while he goes off and smashes some girl. I guess I just have to be okay with that, right? Moving on, lockdown hasn't only shut doors, but opened a few along the way as well. My dog just farted and it stinks. Anyways, I've lost all of my relationships, but gotten a chance to start fresh and explore new ones. Become addicted to Chick-fil-a, hoping I can actually gain some muscle tone now.

hyPER (:

Hey. Well, I don't know what to say. I'm kind of confused. Why do things always have to get so complicated? I hate how nothing goes well for me now a days. But its okay, I guess. How have you been? It's really hard for me to type right now...I make a typo on every word. Except for the last three words of the last sentence. I love MGMT; their music inspires me to just feel happy. They're a very uncommon, genuine, original singing group, and it can get annoying to how much I listen to them. I got a 90 on my Julius Caesar presentation (: and my math quiz, and my vocabulary quiz. Awesome. Ugh, and I'm finally passing Biology. I really love God. God is AWESOME. I just have so much on my mind right now, I just have to let it out. And I'm a loser, of course, and I have no friends that want to waste their time listening to my sorrows. Hahaha, I was kidding about not having friends, and I like to consider myself different, not a loser (;