Well, hectic has become my new state of mind. To begin with, I've been blocked off all sorts off ways to connect with society. My life has turned and my ways have changed. And I know it's for the good, but it doesn't always feel that way. Sometimes it just feels like I'm sinking, loosing myself. But you see, the complication is that I'm not sure if it's me loosing myself or whom I sought myself to be. Everything around me has been a revolving world of guilt, shame and chaos. There's spark in my new life, though. I found Him, and He completes me. Sometimes, I get caught up in all these societal things, but I've come to realize "do they even really matter?" Truth is, disconnection has helped me with recovering from plenty of things. And it's given me a chance to try to figure out who I ever even was. I'm in this constant state where I want to be, then I don't want to be, and then I just do again. Today is the 22 day, and I'm afraid to say that I think I'm okay. Not knowing what's ahead of me frustrates me, especially being the one that loves to be in control of everything. I've moved on, and I've grown. Thing is, I don't know what to do anymore. Everything's just become a bore, a confusion. No more decisions for myself, no more options or luxeries. It's just whatever's chosen for me and straight ahead. Hoping I could actually blog more, it kinda empties me. I enjoy it, and it just gives me someone to listen, you know? Afraid to loose what I've worked so hard for, well, what's left of it. I lost a great relationship, and I do truly miss him. But he's going off to college and I guess wants to be single for all those great parties he'll be getting shitfaced drunk at while he goes off and smashes some girl. I guess I just have to be okay with that, right? Moving on, lockdown hasn't only shut doors, but opened a few along the way as well. My dog just farted and it stinks. Anyways, I've lost all of my relationships, but gotten a chance to start fresh and explore new ones. Become addicted to Chick-fil-a, hoping I can actually gain some muscle tone now.
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